PART II: Navigating co-parentinG in the wake of a recent separation
When couples have just separated, or are in the early phases of a divorce, one of the most challenging aspects can be adjusting to a new family dynamic and navigating the pressures of co-parenting. Whilst every family is different and has its own rhythm and routines, clients have found our assistance in this area invaluable in helping to reduce stress and tension, and enabling them to focus on their child(ren).
Taking the above into consideration, we have put together a 5-step plan to offer parents some initial guidance on how to navigate co-parenting in the wake of a recent separation:
Shield your child(ren)
Adjusting to a new family dynamic can be an anxious time for children, and they will, no doubt, process their emotions and fears in their own way. Whilst we are not suggesting that children should be shielded from all of the emotions parents face as a result of a separation, it is not fair to project any negative feelings that you may harbour towards your Ex, or your situation, on to your child(ren). The common phrase “if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all” is useful here. We certainly do not expect you to be singing your Ex’s praises, but save any ranting for us (or your chosen confidant) and focus on the positives for your child(ren), such as new experiences and one-on-one time with the other parent. Encourage them to enjoy spending time with you both individually and try not to interrogate them about your Ex and their time with them when they get home.
Ultimately, your child(ren) should not feel guilty for loving you both, and neither of you should want them to feel like pawns caught in the middle.
Choose a mode of communication and stick to it
We advise our clients to agree a mode of communication with their Ex to discuss child related matters and stick to it (for example, WhatsApp or a parenting App). It can feel unnecessarily stressful to leave all channels of communication open. Consequently, taking little steps such as this can help you to regain control and avoid conflict, allowing you both to focus on co-parenting.
Devise a routine that works for both of you and your child(ren)
To ease the transition for all concerned, we suggest to our clients that they devise and agree a routine for this interim phase. This does not have to be the final or permanent schedule, as a degree of flexibility will likely be required in order to adapt to the changing needs of the family. However, having an agreed interim schedule will give the child(ren) comfort and security that they will be spending time with both parents. It will also enable you and your Ex to plan your respective time with your child(ren).
Plan your “me time”
Planning your time when they are not with you is equally as important as when they are. It will inevitably feel a little strange and quiet, so we advise our clients to do something that they enjoy and that distracts them from the various feelings that can start to creep in when their child(ren) are with their Ex. For example, arrange to see a friend, go out for dinner, or pick up a new hobby etc. “Me time” is positively encouraged as not only does it allow you to reset, but having that time for yourself will also enable you to discuss “your time” in a positive light upon their return, which will help to alleviate any concerns your child(ren) may have about leaving you.
Ride the waves
Leaning into your emotions and accepting that there will good days and bad days will eventually enable you to start your healing process and co-parent more effectively together with your Ex. Routines may, on occasion, go out of the window and that is fine; you can only do your best. Your child(ren) needs your love, they do not need you to be perfect (and, spoiler alert: no one is!).